Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I've missed you! (And a weight loss post)

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First off, an apology. For anyone who reads the blog very often you'll know I haven't posted in a month-- tsk tsk on me! My camera broke, but that's really no excuse because I have a few recipes and pics backed up that I still need to blog about. Plus I could still do roundups or other things. Truth is, I've been lazy. I've also been lazy with food. Then not. Then lazy again. I haven't really written on here before about weight loss, a topic that for some people, at some times, becomes all-consuming. 

So, personal history, here goes: I was a bit chunky in 4th grade, leaned out a little in 6th, but at the time I was still at least 30 pounds heavier than all of the other girls in my class because I was taller and more developed. I felt like an Amazon woman. I never got any taller after that, and if I'd just stayed where I was weight-wise and maybe exercised a little, I would have been exactly where I wanted, but I didn't know that. Growing up I got some pretty weird messages about weight, like, if I was trying to lose weight or exercising I must hate myself, if I got below about 150 pounds I was too skinny, thin isn't womanly or healthy but overweight is, if I change my weight it must be for a man-- I couldn't possibly just want to feel better for myself, and skinny girls are skinny b****es. Not like these things were always said word for word out loud, but that was the general gist. Also, guys, I now have several very thin, very nice friends and it hurts them when people call them skinny bi***. A lot of these girls are nice and you become the bully when you call them names, even behind their backs. But I digress. So with these thoughts regarding weight in mind, I went to college, gained and lost and gained 30 pounds, got married, lost some for the wedding then gained in back plus 20, and found myself just shy of 200. That was my wake-up call.

At first, all I knew about nutrition or weight loss was what I had googled during my first real foray into dieting before the wedding. I ate 1200 calories a day and worked out everyday, sometimes more than once. Needless to say that wasn't sustainable, and when I stopped I found myself eating bowls of peanut butter and honey and drinking an ungodly amount of soda. Hence the 40 pound weight gain to my highest. I started listening to my body, eating what felt good, started tracking calories on FatSecret (which I don't love the name of, but I like the website), found some amazing veggie blogs (thank you Susan, for being my first real introduction to vegan food!), became vegetarian, then vegan, and lost 50 pounds. Then sometime last year I went crazy in regards to weight loss. I felt rebellious, and angry that I had to count and measure everything, and sad for reasons unrelated to weight loss but which made me want to basically stop eating. Then when I started to eat more I ate a lot. All the time.

I've spent the last year gaining 12 pounds and trying to get a grip on my eating and exercising. I think I've found the answer. I'm not going to count anymore. I'm not going to make exercise schedules that I have to stick to. I am going to weigh once or twice a week. I am going to really, really listen to my body. Only eat when I'm hungry or feeling low-blood-sugary, not for comfort, or distraction, or just to be social. I do eat dinner with my husband, and for other social occasions, but I'm not going to put pressure on myself to have a "dinner sized" portion. I will exercise when I feel like it. I will celebrate every victory. I've lost 4 pounds this week, it seems to be working. I don't expect to lose that much every week, but I've just started this new philosophy. It feels good. I'm excited to see how it goes.

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